So today was a bad day. A really bad day. I started feeling low last night and this morning when I woke up couldn’t even get out of bed to go to work. It was night three of waking up in my new apartment, my new bed, my new place – alone. I layed in bed, didn’t cry for a while, just looking towards the window. I tried mustering the strength to go for a run. Before I knew it, it was noon. I finally convinced myself to pull off the covers and get my ass out of bed. I had found old photo albums during the move of my first true love, Chris. And tears eventually came. I thought about when and why I started running. It was actually a lot longer ago than I thought it was.
Although it was always walk/run. But that’s okay, it started to help me lose weight. But losing weight also became an obsession. I remember when I first met Chris , I had already lost a lot of weight but he liked to lift and got me into that. I can remember now our first place together on Margate Road where I used to do crazy jump roping (up to 1000) and crazy lifting and some treadmill. And I saw myself marrying Chris and having a family with him. But things just never got to that point and i started to develop habits that I’m not gonna go into detail about, but just weren’t good. Eventually we got a house in Northampton and before I knew it were together like 7 years. And then 10. And then 13. And now, he’s found a new love. It hits me every so often and it’s hard. He wasn’t just my boyfriend, he was my best friend, and the man I wanted to be with forever. And I would run to forget my problems. I’d started at the Northampton Canal and then moved to IRT. Eventually I ran as far as Baltimore. I’ve been doing the ‘what if’ a lot lately. What if I was a better girlfriend? What if I got help earlier with my anxiety issues? What if I’d stayed on the birth control pill and not gotten so fucking moody all the time. We can ask ourselves a million what ifs. What if I didn’t move to Baltimore? What if I started seeing a therapist sooner? What if I wasn’t so fat growing up? What if… What if… What if…
We can drive ourselves crazy! Which is exactly what I did last night! I’ve been fortunate that when I moved back to PA from Baltimore I found a great job where they treat me great. I can’t wear jeans, there’s no FSA, I only get a week vacation even Though I started in February, and I have a high health deductible, but I’m respected and am told ‘thank you’ more in a day than some jobs in a year! And I never thought I’d be that girl that had anxiety or depression issues. The more I talk to my therapist I realize how for so long I hid behind a mask. No one knew the real pain behind my eyes. I was this huge fat girl. People I meet now for the first time never even knew. But they also don’t know the pain and abuse I went through. Getting made fun of in middle school by so many people including family members of family. And I hid it. I hid behind drama and chorus and SADD and national honor society and getting into college.
But it I never had a boyfriend. Boys weren’t interested in the 200 pound fat girl. By high school, most became cordial and nice and I didn’t have as many issues being made fun of. So I got fatter.
But this past Saturday I made a huge change in my life. I moved into my own place again and as I was getting settled in I THREW AWAY MY SCALE. What????!!!! Yup! I always tell people that a number is not important and now I’m trying to live by that. It’s more important about how I feel, not a number. So I run. I lift. I’m in therapy. I take medications. I’ve been reading tons on Buddhism, meditation, doing yoga, burning incense.
And then I think about my second love Gary. Who ironically I met and knew before Chris. Maybe it’s because the new place I moved into my neighbors names are Gary and the other is Chris. Find any irony in this? And Gary was the complete opposite of Chris. He had so many different characteristics and things about him that I fell in love with. Things that when I read back in my diary reminded me why I was attracted to him 17 years ago.
Ok, so this post ended up kind of all over the place… But here’s my words of thoughts… I was lucky to find two true lives in my life Chris & Gary-both of who I lost because of different circumstances, but in the end, both times I ran away instead of facing things. But I’m learning with my Buddhism that most often I bring more suffering to myself. But without suffering we also don’t have love and happiness. But today I caused myself so much pain. And maybe I needed it to wake me up and get out of that ‘What if?’
But I did run today. Not run away from things, but ran the IRT.
But depression is ugly. And i used to have an attitude that depression to the point of suicide is wrong. But when you really start to experience depression and anxiety, it changes things. And maybe one day I’ll fix my problems. And I’ll find someone that can accept what I’ve been through, what I’m dealing with now, and maybe that can help hold me up at times. It’s so hard for me to ever ask for help.
So here’s some words of wisdom… Be true to yourself! Love yourself! Know that people are there for you! Know that there’s a higher purpose for you, whether you personally believe it to be religious, spiritual, anything… There is hope. There are people to listen. There are people that love you. And we may not think we are currently where we thought we’d be. I never imagined my life the way it currently is. But there’s a reason for it and one day maybe I’ll see it. But maybe I won’t because according to Buddha and karma, you may not know until another lifetime!
So Always live life to be fullest!!! Because you may not have tomorrow!!